So right now I am in the unenviable position of feeling as though no matter what I eat, it leads to weight gain. Eating sensibly leads to weight gain and being out of control leads to weight gain. Right now, all food seems to be the enemy.
Whenever I eat, especially at night after work, I have this voice in my head saying, “You keep gaining weight. It keeps creeping up, you’re working out but your portions have slowly started getting bigger again. And no matter what you do, you keep getting fatter. So you might as well enjoy this meal, the weight gain is inevitable.”
The end result is that I have an epic struggle with food- should I eat a small, healthy meal (bland, pointless, will only eat more later anyway) or should I just have exactly what I want in the quantity I want, especially since gaining back the lost weight seems, ahem… inevitable?
Sometimes one side wins, sometimes the other. But one thing is certain, I do keep getting fatter. And this argument in my head is driving me over the edge.
# 1 “You keep gaining weight”- well this is true. I do keep gaining weight. Since last year I have gained about 20-22 lbs.
# 2 “It keeps creeping up”- also true. At first it shot up to 258, then 263, 265, 267 and now it’s around 275. The number keeps going up and I keep trying to stay calm.
# 3 “Your working out” – I am w/o and I have seen more muscle tone and definition, but my eating is undermining weight loss. Scarily, if I weren’t working out I would probably gain even more weight.
# 4 “Your portion sizes have slowly started getting bigger again” – also true. Since I started gaining weight I have found my portions, especially in the evenings and now even at lunch, have gotten larger. But then I ask myself if a sandwich and veggies is too much? I don’t think so. But… It seemed like my portions were smaller at BCA. Dinner is definitely bigger. And junkier. When I was losing weight I used to leave food on my plate, now I don’t. I’ve tried going back to smaller plates, etc etc etc but fuck, it just keeps happening. I know it’s me doing it, duh, and I know it undermines my weight loss but I feel compelled to add another scoop, to have a little more than what I need.
# 5 “No matter what you do, you keep getting fatter” – well unfortunately, that’s also true. Sure, a couple of days of being comfortable around food and eating well don’t guarantee weight loss, I know that, but it could a little! But the uncomfortable days around food are outweighing all else and so yes, despite strenuous effort on my part, I am gaining.
# 6 “So you might as well enjoy this meal, the weight gain is inevitable” – youch, this is the one that hurts the most. It feels kind of stabby. It hurts because seeing it in bold print is so sad, as if I’m really saying to myself, ‘I’m sorry that a fattening, calorie laden dinner that you won’t really remember and will regret 3 minutes after you eat it is the best I can offer you in the way of enjoyment. And oh yeah, you’ll getting fatter too, right away, so it’s a long term punishment for a short term pleasure. But go ahead, enjoy your meal.”
Fuck, that really does hit the nail on the head. How disappointing to waste my life on that struggle. Basically, I can eat too much to deal with life which is genuinely sucky, or I can… what? Suffer? Either way though, it leads to suffering. The original suffering, and then the suffering of gaining weight and being fat(ter).
What can I do?
Right now, I’m asking myself if I need to add the suffering, guilt, regret and recrimination that will result if I eat too much at dinner to the equation tonight. The answer is no. But I do want the option of drinking a glass of wine.
What about tomorrow? I’ll have people over and we’ll be having fun. Should I eat with them, or no? When I was losing weight I looked for healthy options in the midst of events like that but still partook. Can I find that balance again?
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