Yesterday took a turn for the rainy so I ended up cutting short my outdoor plans and reading instead, it was relaxing. So very relaxing. This four-day weekend is heavenly!
Except for one thing that's niggling at me. Am having a perfectly good night, have not binged all day, have not felt the need. In fact, I even turned down an opportunity to overeat. Then, we're watching a movie (the day the earth stood still- whoa, crappy) and I decide I want something sweet. We don't have anything sweet in the house. So I make toast. Four pieces of fucking toast. Slathered in butter, two with PB, 2 with honey. I mean come on. I told myself it wouldn't have happened if I had something sweet, but really, I didn't even believe that then, I certainly don't believe it now.
I could go on about that moment, but what's the point, I'll let it float into the ether- my best guess is that since I had been reading all day and kev asked me to watch a movie with him I said yes to make him happy and be close to him, but I really wanted to continue to read. So that feeling, of wanting to be close, near, involved and my desire to continue reading created a fissure- discomfort. Rather than express myself either way, I joined him for the movie (I also felt pressure because of the late fees and my stiffening shoulders). Something to think about for my next post.
Speaking of which, in my last post I said that I needed milestones throughout my day. I often feel as if I hit that 4:30 milestone, go to the gym (feel wiped clean) or home (feel disappointed in me for not gymming it) and then I have this sense of now what? We don't have cable anymore so I can't watch TV, I often feel too tired to do much of anything- or not so much tired as unmotivated (what's the point) and I end up going off the rails food and drink wise.
But as I was waking up this morning, I had a vision of myself that appealed to me. It was 8 pm and the sun was still out- just setting. I had an incense stick going- a big one and I was doing yoga and pilates out on the deck before bed. Nothing strenuous, slow, sinuous movement, hatha style. I was getting strong but also winding down, slowly, on my own. The minute I thought of it, I loved it. I loved the idea of future me, the me who doesn't use food or alcohol to relax- the me who is un-kinked and has a practice. Something she does, regardless of whether it's perfect or too slow, or too fast or not enough- it's something I do every day, just for me. No one is watching or judging, especially not me. And here's the thing. It has to be outside. On the deck, sometimes on the lawn. It cannot be inside. I'm inside all day, all the time. The whole point of this is to be outside, surrounded by trees, shrubs, birds, nature, quiet. I am in love with this idea. I want it to happen. I need something to bring me back to myself. Will begin tonight.
Before I go, must say I want to revisit the need for intimacy by doing what someone else wants and my anxiety about biking to work. I want to be the kind of person who bikes to work, but like all big things that I embark on (for me anyway) the more anxious I am, the more I need to do it- it's been the pattern throughout this journey. I was a nervous wreck before getting my regular bike. But the journey of learning to ride again, building up my strength so I could ride for 22 kilometers in hilly terrain, then riding with the dogs alongside me was very important. I took back a part of myself I had lost to being fat- to shutting down, to a nervous break down I'd had for over a decade. Biking to work is the next step. And I know that. I don't bike on my regular bike as much as I'd like because of the dogs- I know skittles loves to ride alongside and runkie likes to be in his basket, but it's so much work! (it's hard to control skittles and when other bikes come by she's a danger to them and herself so it's not exactly responsible dog ownership- and runkie in the basket is like having baby beluga hanging off the front of my bike). So biking to work is a guilt free way of getting some biking in, getting to work, getting some exercise, and being in my body for a period of time every day without having any competing needs/responsibilities. I mean, I have to get to work, don't I?
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