I want to write this all down so badly. But I feel as if there’s always someone right around the corner, or peeking over my shoulder. (Because I am at work, after all!) But I also really, really need and want to connect to myself again. I’ve been feeling a bit adrift, lost in work mode which is a shut down version of myself, and I don’t want to lose that sense of self I have on the weekends this week, I want to hold onto it as long as possible.
Yesterday, after finally feeling in control of things, I lost control. I worked all day off-site and at lunch had four beers with pizza with friends. It was a long, relaxing lunch. But it threw my whole day off, self-care wise. First off, the lunch wasn’t filling. Second is the drinking. So I had two protein drinks after work, noshed for the rest of the night and had no energy to workout. And even, somehow, inexplicably, hurt my lower back?
I feel like it was a loss of control because it’s not what I planned to have happen yesterday. I planned to go home, workout, garden and go to sleep early. Instead, I got home, couldn’t read, watched a movie and went to sleep late. Pretty much the exact opposite of what I’d planned. Which is okay, on the one hand, but I didn’t get anything productive done. And I had lost some weight and gained it all back in the space of one frigging day!
Other things that are causing me anxiety, too. I look at my yard and I see a wasteland. I secretly hoped that I would turn out to be a gardening whiz, but alas by garden looks really sparse and overgrown with weeds. And yet I am spending so much time out there. Everyday the weather has been nice I’ve been out, puttering, and I feel as if I have nothing to show for it. There are weeds everywhere. And my flower gardens in back are so blah. I don’t have enough flowers and I can’t afford to buy more. I am trying to tell myself that this is a foundation year, that I will be building on the work done this year for future years- but I don’t see any progress and I hate not seeing progress, it makes me feel unhinged.
And then there’s my bike. I bought the electric bike and road in traffic. I am so glad I have an electric bike for traffic. But it needs a tune up and new tires, natch. And they can’t even take a look at it until April 30. FUCK. I wanted to get started and build my routine- a new routine, a new way of being. It’s just one more thing I am waiting on though.
And then there’s the lapband surgery. Have to wait until August for that. And I have to wait to find out the contact information of the nurse in Victoria, who does fills and then get in touch with her and get a go-ahead. If I don’t have anyone to do my fills, there isn’t any point.
And while I’m complaining about waiting… waiting for progress, waiting for change, waiting for, I don’t know, peace, resolution, let’s talk about waiting for those things in regard to my weight. Have been working out more (not last week), have been trying to reach a balance with eating and drinking, dare I say it, I had been doing well. And I saw some progress last week, a tiny budge in the scale. But when I tried to go shopping for some new clothes, nothing fit, I was between sizes and everything was just “off”- can’t quite describe it. Just that everything was either too big, too small and all of it was unflattering. So it was a waste, in every sense.
I feel like I am on the brink of some change- but also that I am squarely where I always have been and always will be. The free floating anxiety I feel, I think, is related to this idea in my head that if I can just grab hold of all the things I want to do and get them accomplished I’ll feel at peace- comforted by the fact that I have taken control of things. But on the other hand, I wonder, am I just fooling myself by thinking I’ll feel better when it’s all done? The pile will always be there, after all. But even as I write that I rebel, because I want all of those things and I want to do them myself, I don’t want anyone else to do them for me, I want to feel that I accomplished those things. I started a new routine of riding to work and around town. I got my garden looking neat, organized but also whimsical. I changed my weight with lapband surgery, I changed my life. Maybe all that anxiety exists because this something I feel driven to do?
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