Happy new year

It's a small thing, but I feel a little better knowing that I had a solid four invitations to parties. At least I'm not a total loser who has no friends.

But all the same, I decided not to go to C.'s party tonight. I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm on the verge of a breakdown here and the last thing that appeals is the idea of forced merriment and realizing it's all going to be okay, or, more likely in this mood, feeling abandoned and rejected. I need a lot of attention right now, kid glove handling and I'm sensitive to slights that aren't there. God forbid, I should show around my good friends like this and act like a turd because I've convinced myself that no one really likes me.

Generally, people don't like nursing the feelings of a baby asshole all night.

So here I am. Again. At the verge of some kind of breakdown, gaining weight (and inexplicably all I can think about right now is eating... everything) and hating my job. As usual, I am convinced my job is the problem, but secretly worry that I am the problem.

I must be. Here it is. The bold declaration I've been afraid to make but have secretly suspected. Twice now, in the last year, I have been told I am "wrong". Once during the Nick affair with MA (though I have my doubts about all of that and MA because they were looking for something and MA herself was inappropriate and I was responding to her inappropriateness during a time of great stress) and now again at sbr. What both times had in common was that I was under great stress.

But why is it that I am so often under stress? I was going to say that I manufacture stress. But then I realize that right now at work, I would not say my workload is unmanageable by any means. So I don't over exaggerate my workload- when it's really busy and stressful, it is really busy and stressful.

But I wonder if I subconsciously create stressful situations? Then I think, no, because Adriana is often dragged along for the ride and I know she is stressed, too. Very stressed. And I can't create anything for anyone else, and her stress if authentic.

And why was it that N kept her cool throughout, leaving at 4:30 every day? Maybe because she knew I would do it all so she didn't have to worry.

But I can cop to one thing, I'm not so good at hiding the veneer of being stressed anymore. Now I must be snapping at people and letting it show. As N said, we should have grace under fire. But honestly, when it gets that bad, and I'm hitting the wall of burnout and aggression from others, it's pretty hard to smile while I eat their shit sandwiches.

I have a really hard time managing my anger of late- which is why I have been eating. I mean come on. Working out burns off a lot of steam, but when I literally am so burnt out from a day of work and have three more to go, a drink and a big meals and snacks after is a lot more doable than a workout.

I signed up for counselling again. If I were to look back to last year I'd probably also find an entry where I said I needed counselling last year. I went last year this time, and the year before that, too. Seems to be a pattern? Maybe something to do with SAD?

I had stopped taking my meds a few weeks ago. I don't know... I just tapered off. I have never been the best with taking them, I miss a few here and there, but I just stopped. Wasn't aware of why.

But I can't get over that. This is the third year in a row that I have sought counselling during this time of year- it's not new years, but maybe something about the exact amount of light (or lack thereof) my brain is missing, the cold and not being able to get outside much. All I know is that this time of year, consistently, I seem to explode. Everything comes out. (Oh, well maybe in the past it had to do with BCA's business cycle?) All my anxiety is magnified, my anger is just past the surface, my depression is deep and thick, my eating and drinking are out of control and I don't feel quite suicidal, but close enough.

I'm also worried that if I don't do something I will lose my friends. I'm worried they'll realize what a negative person I am (although so many people think of me as the exact opposite) and they will say: Things might genuinely suck.... but there is something about her that makes it worse. I can't put my finger on it it... but I am beginning to dislike her.

That would be awful.

I probably worry about it because they've seen me at my worst.

God, even this entry sounds crazier than usual.

I don't know. I don't know how to pull my shit together and start enjoying life more again- take control of work or whatever. I don't know. I wish I did. I'd do it.