Yesterday was a great day, today will be, too

I didn't expect yesterday to be so great, but it was. After I finished up my post I took Skittles to the park and tossed her ball around for her. I also climbed up some playground equipment. I liked using the bars to climb up- I didn't even do that as a kid, too scared! Then I came home and did a kettellbell workout. But by then the clouds had blown away and the sun was out and it suddenly got warm- about 60-65 degrees! The timing was perfect, I was already in my workout clothes and committed, so I went out on the deck. I had my ipod on, and I could see neighbours through the trees, kids playing in forts but I didn't let the idea that people would see me doing something new, stop me. I just went for it.

I did 48 swings, 48 snatches, 48 crossbodies and then some other stuff that's a bit more advanced-mostly calisthenics (pushups, planks). It lasted an hour and today my legs ache- in that good way that lets you know you accomplished something. But I even feel it in my shoulders, my upper back, my calves. The only thing that doesn't ache is my core- I was too blown to do any pilates and by that time I brought Runkie out on the deck and he wanted to cuddle. I decided the universe had decided my w/o was finis.

I wanted to go out on the deck and do some pilates and yoga today, so I don't stiffen up, but its raining. I can already see though how much more appealing exercise is when you can do it outside. Hopefully the weather will improve soon.

Anyway, after the workout I took the dogs with Kevin to see a friend and her dog. They played, except for Runkie, he doesn't really consider himself a dog and finds their doggie ways tiresome. We came home, I read on the deck on my chaise lounge (love that thing, will love it even more now that I can use it more) with a glass of wine. Around six I started making my prawn risotto (delicious) and then I went to M's house for a visit. It was so good seeing her, she gets me and I get her; and she's the only person who really knows what happened at ABC – she was there and got just as burned. Thank god we didn't have to go through our ABC period alone, she really pushed me to see it wasn't me and I hope I reminded her that she was (and is) a good person.

Bike related news flash

In other news, I contacted someone about buying her electric, pedal assisted bike. She's not in town until Thursday, so I'll have to wait. I love my regular bike, a lot, but because I am who I am, I don't feel entirely comfortable riding it in traffic. It's quite hilly here in Victoria- you notice it the most when you're cycling. Plus, when you're at an intersection and need to signal a turn and keep pedaling it's fucking hard, I always feel like a gimp because it's hard for me to start and stop because of my knees, so if I can have a bike that gives me some power, then why not? I can start riding to work like I've always wanted. That will be awesome. No more smelly loser cruiser for me!

I haven't worked out the shower thing after I ride to work- but I got my hair cut on Thursday (love it) and it's pretty easy to style and I have a locker at the gym at work and I've showered there before, so I'm over that particular hurdle. I just don't look forward to having two sets of everything. There's a hair dryer there, but I need a straightener.

But none of that is a deal breaker, I can make it work.

Let's get all planny in here

So it's official, I plan on getting the lap band in August. I called to book the surgery. Kevin and I are discussing the pros and cons of staying an extra day, as I hate flying. As I write this, I am trying to get the information about a nurse here who does fills. But I can't get into the WLS forum. Fuck. I'd like to get that settled. If I can't find someone close by to do fills I might not be able to do the whole surgery.

Post-op eating. I think the first while can happen quite naturally- you can't eat normally and you feel full and it's the honeymoon period so your okay with liquids and then purees. My concern is after the honeymoon- when I'm doing solids and the novelty has worn off and I really want to blow off some steam. Then what? But that's why I'm doing this. Because I want/need some restrictive mechanism in place that can stop me when I can't. It was scary to see that despite losing all that weight and enjoying that weight loss so much I gained 20 lbs back, and so quickly and easily, because as much as I liked being thinner, I wasn't able to stop myself from coping with food. Despite everything I'd learned about nutrition and my body- I still reverted back. So my thinking is that if I have something in place, something bigger than just me I can let it do the work. Let it keep me in check. God, I'd love to eat everything in sight, really I would, but I can't, I have this lap-band, you see, and…

Your best friend for bingeing

Onto other topics, I'll get planny later, I have also been noticing, of late, that when my gf's really want to pack it away, drinking or eating wise, they call me. So, okay, they eat compulsively, too and maybe I've gained a reputation for being "up for it." That last sentence in the paragraph above got me to thinking of this. I feel pressured lately to eat with my friends, to join them in their eating/snacking/drinking. Drinking I usually want to do and don't need to be prompted- though I wasn't always like that. But eating, a lot of the time I would prefer to peck and stick with my goals, but I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't want people to think I am getting ahead of myself, or "uppity". I know, I know. Everyone has to have this conversation with themselves at some point, especially if they're a big girl, and, they're trying to lose weight. I know I can't, shouldn't, eat to make my friends comfortable with their choices (I guess I also don't want them to be uncomfortable, there's nothing worse than when you really want to chow down and the other person is pecking, you feel like you're out of control). And I know it's not my job to make anyone else comfortable with their food choices. But then again, part of being friends is shared experiences and I always fear missing out on those moments. I didn't really have real friendships until the last couple of years and I like the intimacy of those moments of hedonism where we've almost made a pact to enjoy the food on our plates to the point of debauchery ;-)

But when I have the surgery, I won't be able to join along. I will have one glass of wine, maybe some cheese or meat and then that's it. I can't eat and drink like that anymore. Am I sad to miss out on those pleasures? Yes, of course. But I am also sad to get dressed every morning and find my clothes are too tight. And I remember how it felt, those fleeting days when I was a bit thinner, and picking clothes was fun, and I want that pleasure back.

Back to the bike

The other thing I like about the idea of the bike is milestones. I'm getting better at removing myself emotionally from work- detaching. And I find I break my day off into chunks. Right now it's as follows:

• Morning Chunk: Get up, get showered, have breakfast and head out. This is mostly pleasurable.
  
  • Ride bus to work. I don't hate the bus by any means, but I can't relax. My face contorts into what I hope is blank passivity (long standing issue of mine- controlling my facial expression). So the weird thing is, even though I bring all my focus to relaxing my facial muscles, I also end up feeling stiff and as if I have been clenching my jaws for hours. Plus, being crammed in next to another person makes my shoulders ache (can't relax).
    
• Morning work chunk: Blah blah blah, must make it to my first milestone, 10 am coffee
  
  • 10 am coffee, walk outside, cool air zinging, brisk walk, coffee, a little piece of realness in a fake world
    
• Lunch- second milestone- catch up with the girls. I would like to take walks but I feel tied down to lunch. Another time.
  
• 3:30, third milestone, definitely a lesser milestone. Have my 3:30 snack. It isn't as nice as coffee but it signals the beginning of the end of the work day.
  
• 4^th milestone, work ends, time for gym. Sometimes its hard to go, sometimes I don't. But I do it because I feel cleansed afterwards, purged of all that silliness of the day and back in myself, feeling whole.
  
  • Bus ride home, face hurts
    
• Home- now what?
  

But if I rode a bike to work it would be more like this:

• Ride to work on bike. First milestone. Don't have to worry about my face. Listen to tunes. Zoom through cool morning air, warmed by pedaling. Only my thoughts, clear headed, quiet, reflective, at peace.
  
• 10 am coffee, second milestone, walk outside, cool air zinging, brisk walk, coffee, a little piece of realness in a fake world
  
• Lunch- third milestone- catch up with the girls. I would like to take walks but I feel tied down to lunch. Another time.
  
• 3:30, fourth milestone, definitely a lesser milestone. Have my 3:30 snack. It isn't as nice as coffee, but it signals the beginning of the end of the work day.
  
• Fifth milestone, time for gym. It's always better when I go to the gym, even better than skipping out and heading home. More of a milestone.
  
• Sixth milestone. If I've been to the gym then the roads will be less congested, I will have to build up endurance to w/o and be able to ride home, but I think I can do that pretty quickly. I'd have to change my routine to do less cardio and less weight for a while to build up my capacity, but within a month or two I could be back to 1.5 hr workouts followed by a ride home. I could amble along, take the long way home. It wouldn't be exercise, rather, a pleasure. My own time, to myself, feeling scraped hollow by exercise. Will probably have to learn to manage hunger and start drinking more protein shakes again so I don't come home ravenous.
  
• Home- now what?
  

Note to self

Next time I need to address "home-now what" major issue with my bingeing.