What's next?

So, I didn't get the dream job. What I didn't say in this blog was that while I waited to hear about the position I put off two things.

I put off signing up for my program at a local university next year. And I put off scheduling my surgery.

I'm not 100% committed to the university program, but the reality is my employer is paying for it (once I complete it) and with the way my career is going right now, I can use any boost I can get. Maybe it's just the sadness about not getting that job speaking, but I have this voice in the back of my head asking, "If you're such a hot shot why haven't you gotten a new job yet, you said this place was just a landing strategy, so what's the problem? Maybe it's you?"

The weird thing is, in jobs past, I've always been way too busy. Staying late, working through lunches-every day for six month stretches. Right now, I can take a lunch every day and I go home at on time. And I really like that. Yet I'm chafing at the bit with the micromanaging. My ED makes all the decisions and I just book rooms. I don't have any access to the decision making. I fought that hard, until I adopted a zen approach. But the zen approach worried me- did it mean I was becoming a complacenet house cat, letting everyone else get all the opportunities? I was able to shush my ego and let it go, until I saw an out in the dream job. And then I started to fantasize about how great it would be to combine what I have learned in this job, humility and the working my set hours, with autonomy and confidence from my "superiors".

Like for example, I wonder if I shouldn't be learning how to make videos. W does and god knows they love him. I used to be the golden girl and a part of me misses that. But i also worked crazy hours and worked crazily just to gain approval, which was fleeting. Ugh. I can talk myself into circles on this.

So I need to cut to the chase. Does it matter to me that boss respects me? Not really, I mean it would be nice, but I don't have much control over her. Does it matter if I'm the star? Definitely not. Does it matter if I deliver on my promises? Yes. Do I? Yes. Then that's it. That's all I can do. Do I want to make videos? A little. I'd also like to get better at building websites. So how about I just go ahead and update my own website portfolio and then start playing with video. I have the software here at home. I can make a video of the tetons!

But I'm not doing it for "them". I'm doing it for me. To bring a little fun back to my work.

As for the surgery, not getting that job (I was so sure I'd at least be interviewed!!!) means that I can now take off all of August, which is a gift, really. And I can have almost a whole month to recover and get used to this new way of eating. It will be like a spa.

More on that later...

Of mice and men

Today seems to have a theme- making me unsettled.

In the morning we had a nurse come by to draw blood, take our blood pressure and urine samples for insurance coverage. Kevin is their ideal client, he runs, he's thin, he never drinks and doesn't have an enormous amount of death and illness in his immediate family. I, on the other hand, am considered and insurance risk. Mother died at 49, 275b lbs.

Later today, I have a Dr's appt. I'm going because I have been avoiding dealing with my knee pain for, oh, years. And I thought if I am going to get the lap band surgery I might as well also deal with some other issues at the same time. I'm also dealing with hypoglycemia, have been for years. But since I have been headachey for the last while I thought I'd finally seek some medical advise- maybe it's not hypoglycemia or maybe they have better info than I can find on the internet on my own.

I went to the bike shop to pick up my bike but duh, it's not ready until 4:30 today. I'm pretty sure that by the time 4:30 rolls around the sky will open up and it's gonna pour on my first ride home. But I guess that's just another thing to get used to if I bike to work every day in the "good" months.

Already I started to calculate how much weight I could lose biking about 12 K a day. Probably about 5 lb's a month if I'm conservative- or 10 if I was able to avoid binge eating and all drinking. But asking that of myself, especially right now when I've been so unwilling and unable to do that, seems like setting myself up for failure and disappointment. And frankly I'm a tad sick of feeling disappointed in myself- feeling as if I am letting myself down all the time is fucking tiring.

Kevin and I have been watching Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer,on DVD a lot. At first it started as a fun distraction. We know our dogs aren't perfect, by any means, and we figured we'd pick up some good tips and tricks but I didn't think it would have any lasting impact on my life.

But something has sunk in!

The DW talks a lot about rehabilitating dogs and training humans. He also talks a lot about how dogs pick up on energy and use energy- they use energy to decide on a course of action, to be with someone- everything really. I started to realize that when I got Runkie I saw him as a savior. I had no friends, no family here and it was the first time I put my foot down in our relationship and demanded we do something outside of our comfort zone by getting Runkie.

Normally, I tend to go with the flow. But there have been a couple of notable instances where I have been firm and demanded we do things my way. Buying the house, Runkie and Skittles are all in our lives at my insistence. I said that they were non-negotiable things I had to have in my life in order to function. I always feel guilty about these things (before I "get" them and for a little while immediately after) but they always end up being a life changing experience for both of us- that improves our lives. It usually takes a year to five to accomplish them, sometimes less in Skittles case!

Back to Runkie though. When I got him Kevin still worked nights and we both slept during the day. I had terrible anxiety and panic attacks and just being outside alone caused me to feel terrified. I was not the person I am now. I couldn't leave the house unless accompanied by someone else. And because I had no friends, no family, no job- nothing, I really didn't have a reason to go out, really. So Runkie represented my fledgling attempt to rejoin the world. He needed to be walked for potty time. He needed to see people, places and things. And so I started to explore the world with him.

Because of my anxiety I didn't much more than go around the block by myself the first year, and even that was nerve wracking. But he was my shield. I was gauranteed good interactions with him at my side and I felt safe with him there.

But according to the DW I was putting him into the role of the protector and pack leader and that's where a lot of his dominance problems stem from. He only did what I asked him to do. And as I got better I never took that role away from him because for the most part, he's a good boy and I see that he has a gift of calming people and being incredibly loving. I didn't want to call him dominant or aggressive because he's not- he's insecure because I put a heavy burden on him. And when he and I bump up against one another for "power" he's confused. I let him run the show for so long he doesn't understand why I am saying no.

We even have a joke about him, if he had a motto it would be: you don't tell me, I tell you.

Anyway, Runkie attacks if we try to take a chewie away. So now I have been using the DW techniques of dominating him to put his chews down, instead of asking (and getting bitten). I stand by him or sit and start taking up physical space and I only ask once. I wait for him to move away and drop it. He attacked during the last session, (his chewis was down to a nub and we panic he'll choke- he has before) and I put him on his side and waited for him to calm down. And it's working.

I think it's all about the energy though. If I put him on his side and was filled with anger, it would be abusive. If I put him on his side and think instead of being a calm, balanced influence who is bringing peace and compassion to the situation, I can feel him relax. I keep his tail up so he doesn't get scared and when I feel him relax, I can actually feel it, I loosen my grip and start to stroke him in neutral zones, so it's never a punishment, but a correction.

There's some controversy about the DW's methods- but the important thing in my eyes is intention and energy. If the intention is to defuse an aggressive dog in an aggressive situation and you send a calm, confident energy, it's not cruel. When I put Runkie on his side I could actually feel him release his tension and rage after a couple of seconds, it was like the fight went out of him, not the spirit which is what animal owners always worry about, but the fight. The aggression naturally faded and I could almost feel or sense that he was coming to his senses. Like a switch had gone off in his brain that said, "I don't actually want to bite my mother, I just flared up because she tried to take my precious, but I guess that's not good."

Skittles is another matter. Skittles is pure fun. She has never bitten either of us, or anyone for that matter. Skittles' main goal in life is to have fun, to enjoy every second and squeeze the love out of every encounter. She's a big suck- she loves to cuddle and she has no personal boundaries. Our bodies are merely extensions of her pack sense- she feels it's totally natural to be connected to us by laying all over us. It's not dominance, she's insecure and our presence makes her feel safe and secure. I try to introduce her to situations where she can overcome little obstacles and become more confident and I think doing some DW techniques with her can help her feel more calm. Mostly we're focusing on creating space in the household- no jumping on the nice furniture, calm submissive state before walks (as opposed to bouncing off the walls), asking to come up on us and being more polite with strangers (instead of actually bouncing off of them and trying to stand on their shoulders).

In her case, I think Skittles' feels more secure because she'll have rules and boundaries- things will be clear to her so she'll feel secure in herself. That's the hope anyway.

But all of that was really a segue! Or just me thinking through my own history with my dogs. All of that was to say that both of them are conduits and living expressions of my mood and needs. Runkie came to me at a time when I needed stability and leadership- he provided that to me! He came to me when I needed someone to help me come out of my shell and with his cute looks and fun personality he attracted people to me and helped me to gain confidence during social interactions. Skittles came into my life just after we lost Mondo and I was desperately seeking love. Runkie was getting on in years and wasn't as cuddly- he wanted more space. I wanted and needed someone who could share my sense of play and fun enhance my own good times. I wanted a cuddly little being who had no boundaries so I could shower them with constant affection and give them all the love I don't give to myself. From day one, Skittles gave me that. She loved being touched and stroked and snuggled. She's a repository for all the love I feel. For me Skittles is affection.

I'm a human being, not a human doing damn you!

I want to write this all down so badly. But I feel as if there’s always someone right around the corner, or peeking over my shoulder. (Because I am at work, after all!) But I also really, really need and want to connect to myself again. I’ve been feeling a bit adrift, lost in work mode which is a shut down version of myself, and I don’t want to lose that sense of self I have on the weekends this week, I want to hold onto it as long as possible.

Yesterday, after finally feeling in control of things, I lost control. I worked all day off-site and at lunch had four beers with pizza with friends. It was a long, relaxing lunch. But it threw my whole day off, self-care wise. First off, the lunch wasn’t filling. Second is the drinking. So I had two protein drinks after work, noshed for the rest of the night and had no energy to workout. And even, somehow, inexplicably, hurt my lower back?

I feel like it was a loss of control because it’s not what I planned to have happen yesterday. I planned to go home, workout, garden and go to sleep early. Instead, I got home, couldn’t read, watched a movie and went to sleep late. Pretty much the exact opposite of what I’d planned. Which is okay, on the one hand, but I didn’t get anything productive done. And I had lost some weight and gained it all back in the space of one frigging day!

Other things that are causing me anxiety, too. I look at my yard and I see a wasteland. I secretly hoped that I would turn out to be a gardening whiz, but alas by garden looks really sparse and overgrown with weeds. And yet I am spending so much time out there. Everyday the weather has been nice I’ve been out, puttering, and I feel as if I have nothing to show for it. There are weeds everywhere. And my flower gardens in back are so blah. I don’t have enough flowers and I can’t afford to buy more. I am trying to tell myself that this is a foundation year, that I will be building on the work done this year for future years- but I don’t see any progress and I hate not seeing progress, it makes me feel unhinged.

And then there’s my bike. I bought the electric bike and road in traffic. I am so glad I have an electric bike for traffic. But it needs a tune up and new tires, natch. And they can’t even take a look at it until April 30. FUCK. I wanted to get started and build my routine- a new routine, a new way of being. It’s just one more thing I am waiting on though.

And then there’s the lapband surgery. Have to wait until August for that. And I have to wait to find out the contact information of the nurse in Victoria, who does fills and then get in touch with her and get a go-ahead. If I don’t have anyone to do my fills, there isn’t any point.

And while I’m complaining about waiting… waiting for progress, waiting for change, waiting for, I don’t know, peace, resolution, let’s talk about waiting for those things in regard to my weight. Have been working out more (not last week), have been trying to reach a balance with eating and drinking, dare I say it, I had been doing well. And I saw some progress last week, a tiny budge in the scale. But when I tried to go shopping for some new clothes, nothing fit, I was between sizes and everything was just “off”- can’t quite describe it. Just that everything was either too big, too small and all of it was unflattering. So it was a waste, in every sense.

I feel like I am on the brink of some change- but also that I am squarely where I always have been and always will be. The free floating anxiety I feel, I think, is related to this idea in my head that if I can just grab hold of all the things I want to do and get them accomplished I’ll feel at peace- comforted by the fact that I have taken control of things. But on the other hand, I wonder, am I just fooling myself by thinking I’ll feel better when it’s all done? The pile will always be there, after all. But even as I write that I rebel, because I want all of those things and I want to do them myself, I don’t want anyone else to do them for me, I want to feel that I accomplished those things. I started a new routine of riding to work and around town. I got my garden looking neat, organized but also whimsical. I changed my weight with lapband surgery, I changed my life. Maybe all that anxiety exists because this something I feel driven to do?