Hit Rock Bottom

Someone, I don't know who, is always saying you have to hit rock bottom before you can actually get up. I don't know why that's always true for me (probably stems from my intense need to punish myself) but I'm finding it true again.

I got up to 270 after eating and drinking my way there every night- with wild abandon. It was almost like I needed to take it that far, to wreak that much havoc, before self preservation kicked in and I felt like I was ready to come back into my body. I literally feel as if I've left my body behind for the last couple of months, slowly floated away from it and only now am I coming back in, reclaiming it. I'm developing a theory that because I was traumatized physically as a child and dealt with it by disassociating I disassociate as an adult, too. My head just leaves my body and I push on with no connection. I literally march on, discomfort, sadness be damned and get shit done. I don't know how to live through a stressful time without escaping it in some way, I suppose.

What turned it around? This is probably one of the first monday mornings where I'm not exhausted. It's hard to feel excited about life when you wake up feeling so tired your face hurts, your jaw aches from keeping it all together. Yeserday I did a lot of work but I'm not exhuasted. I'm caught up on my sleep (could always get more, but who couldn't) and I've had good nutrition for the last two nights- both of which were sit down meals. I drank a little last night but that had a lot to do with a sore back. Now that I don't have any booze in the house I will keep it that way.

I'm also not at work- two days away. And that's what is concerning me. I'm okay and taking care of myself in this moment, but is that only because I've had two days away from that place? And it's small, but SD wasn't there on Friday, which is much more relaxing (because I don't trust her, she creeps me out).

My startegy for dealing with today is two-fold. I'm going to get out at lunch and go for a walk to chinatown and look at bamboo blinds and urban barn. I'm going to eat all my meals and snacks. I'm even going to eat twice in a sense, because I have a salad from last week I'll eat at the end of the day. I'll start off by washing out that bowl at my desk. I'm going to call Zuma and cancel my membership- big relief. It's just not that interesting to me. And after work I'm going to the gym for a nice, relaxing workout- 45 minutes, tops. I'll shower off there so I don't feel gross on the bus. (remember to bring undies!). And during the day I'll log my food onto Fidtday and check out makeup alley. And look up exercise programs for the new year.

Eventually, I'll call Bob and Marianne. I'm not looking forward to it and the whole Penny situation weighs on me very heavily. I am so angry at her for getting like this. She has two kids. And I feel like I need to do something, but I don't know what and I hate not knowing the whole story. I know in my gut she's abusing perscription drugs. But no one else seems to think so or wants to make it an issue. That I know of.

So that's really all I can think of for now- little ways to enjoy the day and take back the right to take care of myself. I'm so tired of feeling tired and run down and used and unhappy.

Hopefully this will start to unfold and unfurl all those peices of myself in hiding. Hopefully they'll feel safe to come out and help me enjoy the world again, one little bit at a time, a flower here, the pride in doing a days worth of of home improvements and maintanance. Little things that make life enjoyable.