Of mice and men

Today seems to have a theme- making me unsettled.

In the morning we had a nurse come by to draw blood, take our blood pressure and urine samples for insurance coverage. Kevin is their ideal client, he runs, he's thin, he never drinks and doesn't have an enormous amount of death and illness in his immediate family. I, on the other hand, am considered and insurance risk. Mother died at 49, 275b lbs.

Later today, I have a Dr's appt. I'm going because I have been avoiding dealing with my knee pain for, oh, years. And I thought if I am going to get the lap band surgery I might as well also deal with some other issues at the same time. I'm also dealing with hypoglycemia, have been for years. But since I have been headachey for the last while I thought I'd finally seek some medical advise- maybe it's not hypoglycemia or maybe they have better info than I can find on the internet on my own.

I went to the bike shop to pick up my bike but duh, it's not ready until 4:30 today. I'm pretty sure that by the time 4:30 rolls around the sky will open up and it's gonna pour on my first ride home. But I guess that's just another thing to get used to if I bike to work every day in the "good" months.

Already I started to calculate how much weight I could lose biking about 12 K a day. Probably about 5 lb's a month if I'm conservative- or 10 if I was able to avoid binge eating and all drinking. But asking that of myself, especially right now when I've been so unwilling and unable to do that, seems like setting myself up for failure and disappointment. And frankly I'm a tad sick of feeling disappointed in myself- feeling as if I am letting myself down all the time is fucking tiring.

Kevin and I have been watching Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer,on DVD a lot. At first it started as a fun distraction. We know our dogs aren't perfect, by any means, and we figured we'd pick up some good tips and tricks but I didn't think it would have any lasting impact on my life.

But something has sunk in!

The DW talks a lot about rehabilitating dogs and training humans. He also talks a lot about how dogs pick up on energy and use energy- they use energy to decide on a course of action, to be with someone- everything really. I started to realize that when I got Runkie I saw him as a savior. I had no friends, no family here and it was the first time I put my foot down in our relationship and demanded we do something outside of our comfort zone by getting Runkie.

Normally, I tend to go with the flow. But there have been a couple of notable instances where I have been firm and demanded we do things my way. Buying the house, Runkie and Skittles are all in our lives at my insistence. I said that they were non-negotiable things I had to have in my life in order to function. I always feel guilty about these things (before I "get" them and for a little while immediately after) but they always end up being a life changing experience for both of us- that improves our lives. It usually takes a year to five to accomplish them, sometimes less in Skittles case!

Back to Runkie though. When I got him Kevin still worked nights and we both slept during the day. I had terrible anxiety and panic attacks and just being outside alone caused me to feel terrified. I was not the person I am now. I couldn't leave the house unless accompanied by someone else. And because I had no friends, no family, no job- nothing, I really didn't have a reason to go out, really. So Runkie represented my fledgling attempt to rejoin the world. He needed to be walked for potty time. He needed to see people, places and things. And so I started to explore the world with him.

Because of my anxiety I didn't much more than go around the block by myself the first year, and even that was nerve wracking. But he was my shield. I was gauranteed good interactions with him at my side and I felt safe with him there.

But according to the DW I was putting him into the role of the protector and pack leader and that's where a lot of his dominance problems stem from. He only did what I asked him to do. And as I got better I never took that role away from him because for the most part, he's a good boy and I see that he has a gift of calming people and being incredibly loving. I didn't want to call him dominant or aggressive because he's not- he's insecure because I put a heavy burden on him. And when he and I bump up against one another for "power" he's confused. I let him run the show for so long he doesn't understand why I am saying no.

We even have a joke about him, if he had a motto it would be: you don't tell me, I tell you.

Anyway, Runkie attacks if we try to take a chewie away. So now I have been using the DW techniques of dominating him to put his chews down, instead of asking (and getting bitten). I stand by him or sit and start taking up physical space and I only ask once. I wait for him to move away and drop it. He attacked during the last session, (his chewis was down to a nub and we panic he'll choke- he has before) and I put him on his side and waited for him to calm down. And it's working.

I think it's all about the energy though. If I put him on his side and was filled with anger, it would be abusive. If I put him on his side and think instead of being a calm, balanced influence who is bringing peace and compassion to the situation, I can feel him relax. I keep his tail up so he doesn't get scared and when I feel him relax, I can actually feel it, I loosen my grip and start to stroke him in neutral zones, so it's never a punishment, but a correction.

There's some controversy about the DW's methods- but the important thing in my eyes is intention and energy. If the intention is to defuse an aggressive dog in an aggressive situation and you send a calm, confident energy, it's not cruel. When I put Runkie on his side I could actually feel him release his tension and rage after a couple of seconds, it was like the fight went out of him, not the spirit which is what animal owners always worry about, but the fight. The aggression naturally faded and I could almost feel or sense that he was coming to his senses. Like a switch had gone off in his brain that said, "I don't actually want to bite my mother, I just flared up because she tried to take my precious, but I guess that's not good."

Skittles is another matter. Skittles is pure fun. She has never bitten either of us, or anyone for that matter. Skittles' main goal in life is to have fun, to enjoy every second and squeeze the love out of every encounter. She's a big suck- she loves to cuddle and she has no personal boundaries. Our bodies are merely extensions of her pack sense- she feels it's totally natural to be connected to us by laying all over us. It's not dominance, she's insecure and our presence makes her feel safe and secure. I try to introduce her to situations where she can overcome little obstacles and become more confident and I think doing some DW techniques with her can help her feel more calm. Mostly we're focusing on creating space in the household- no jumping on the nice furniture, calm submissive state before walks (as opposed to bouncing off the walls), asking to come up on us and being more polite with strangers (instead of actually bouncing off of them and trying to stand on their shoulders).

In her case, I think Skittles' feels more secure because she'll have rules and boundaries- things will be clear to her so she'll feel secure in herself. That's the hope anyway.

But all of that was really a segue! Or just me thinking through my own history with my dogs. All of that was to say that both of them are conduits and living expressions of my mood and needs. Runkie came to me at a time when I needed stability and leadership- he provided that to me! He came to me when I needed someone to help me come out of my shell and with his cute looks and fun personality he attracted people to me and helped me to gain confidence during social interactions. Skittles came into my life just after we lost Mondo and I was desperately seeking love. Runkie was getting on in years and wasn't as cuddly- he wanted more space. I wanted and needed someone who could share my sense of play and fun enhance my own good times. I wanted a cuddly little being who had no boundaries so I could shower them with constant affection and give them all the love I don't give to myself. From day one, Skittles gave me that. She loved being touched and stroked and snuggled. She's a repository for all the love I feel. For me Skittles is affection.