As always

All of this would be a lot simpler if I knew how it would end.

Will I be the girl who lost 100+ pounds, will I change from the outside and finally be able to wear clothes from any store I step into? Or will I linger and hover here- a new place to be sure, acceptably fat, but not quite where I want to be.

Where do I want to be. I used to think being a size 18 would be just right. And then this year I reached that (though I'm no longer able to claim that since the career crisis of Spring) and while I was there it was heady at first, I could almost fit into clothes at the gap, I could get my legs in the pants and they looked ridiculously tight on me, but when I was a 22 or 24, or 26 or even a 28 I would never have tried putting a toe in, let alone a let a leg. And then it was just meh. It was annoying to be so close but so far. I could see size 16 looming and some 18's fit but most didn't and that was annoying because I felt like a fake 18- like I couldn't quite claim that mantle legitimately. And then I put on 10 pounds in my belly and now I'm back at a size 20. Which isn't so bad, considering how stessful the job situation was.

But I don't want to be a size 20, or even an 18. I want to be a 12, and then I want to be a 10.

That's 40 or 50 pounds less than where I am now.

Sheesh. That's overwhelming, and yet, I have done it before. But I was much bigger than, so cutting out whole groups of food was effective. Now I don't eat those foods as much. Oh, who am I kidding. I do eat them, just less often and in smaller quantities. But then again I have found that it's much better pyschologically to say I've cut them out, not buy them and then buy them occasionally in small, single portions- like an ice cream cone after a day swimming at the beach, or dessert with freinds. The problem is when they creep in at other times.

I don't know. This post is much more stream of consciousness than I thought it would be and I'm okay with that. I had just hoped for some... clarity. Or inspiration.

Right now I'm anywhere from 264.5-267, averaging 264.5. Before the job stuff happened I was about 253- so a little more than 10 pounds which means I still fit into my old clothes, though they're tight in ways that is upsetting. My bras don't fit right- the cup is too small and the band is biting into my shoulders, causing neck pain and headaches at the end of the day. My pants are tight around the waist which tugs at the crotch creating a snug camel toe. But mostly its my belly that gives me trouble. It's a very soft muffin top and since some of my pants are tight on the waist band, they push my belly up and out, so it looks soft and squishy under my shirts. A lot of the tops that looked smart on me 10 pounds ago are unwearable, because they emphasized my waist line, and now I don't have one.

I have bought a couple of items for this new place- not much because I'm determined not to stay here for long. But I don't believe in punishing myself for what happened. I'm not really motivated enough to get a big hate on going for myself because I gained weight during an incredibly upsetting time, and it seems counter productive anyway- but funny I felt like I had to defend my decision to not punish myself.

In all honesty I'm actually about 261.5 right now. Because I have started running and getting back to the gym. So that seems to be the key for right now- exercise, even more than food, I think. I also notice that when the exercsie is in balance food follows- if only because I am enjoying the movement and want to enhance what I can do with food- not be hampered by it. Running is supposed to give you a huge calorie burn so that's why I am trying it. I know a quick fix isn't a good thing, but I also feel exhuasted by this. I have wanted to be thinner my whole life, well, since about 12. And instead I kept getting bigger and bigger- and thinner got further and further away. And now that I have lost a huge amount of weight I know it's possible, for me, and I don't want to wait anymore. I'm tired of waiting.

That deserves some background info.

Often, in my daydreams and fantasies, especially when I was at my bingeiest and starting counselling, I had this idea of losing weight very slowly and safely over time. I believe it was a four year period, sometimes two. But I always had a horror of the idea of someone who is 300 pounds and loses 100+ pounds in a year or less. It seemed really violent and extreme. (Still does). It seemed like forcibly shedding a self, a life and annihilating it way too quickly. For the body and the mind. I would think about the stretch marks that was likely to cause, and the emotional upheaval and I knew it would be too much. Being 300 + pounds myself and going down has been a head trip, so I can only imagine how going down to 200 would be, almost over night. Or lower. My fear was always that I would become a vaccuous teenager again, obsessed, vain and disloyal. Maybe not in body, but in mind. I worried I would lose interest in Bunny. That I would be frustrated by him, hate him for his lack of confidence- the irony would not be lost on me.

But now I'm not 300 + pounds. And I'm not so sure that quicker isn't better. There's the financial aspect that comes first to mind. When I was losing weight quickly I cycled through a couple of sizes in one summer- much better on the pocket book. But when it slowed up I would hover and linger in one place for months. And I needed a new wardrobe all the time. You think you'd be content with a pair of black pants, a white top and a couple of other shirts. But the same thing happens to you at transition sizes that happens at other times. You buy a top thinking its fab, wear it once and realize it doesn't flatter you at all and convince yourself it's okay to try again for a better replacement. It's an especially addictive game when you're losing weight and always hoping to see progress in the dressing room. Pretty soon you end up with a bulging closet of castaways- more so when you go down yet another size.

Then there's the fulfillment factor. I have been waiting for a long time to lose weight and it takes a lot of mental and physical energy to make it happen. I'm exhuasted with treading slowly, carefully- with treading at all. I started treatment for BED about 10 years ago- I did the work psychologically for a long time. And then two years ago I started doing the physical side and lost weight. But that's a decade of focus and work. It would be nice to just get "there".

I used to be scared of maintance and now I'm not so much. I can see how it's easy to gain 10 pounds without realizing it- you fluctuate a lot over a month and by the time that 6 pounds is permanent you're in the doldrums and his four little freinds creep on easily. Way too easily. But I also know that I maintained the weight loss for about a year and gained 10 pounds only under extreme duress- and only towards the end, when I was completely at my breaking point.

And then there's the fun. Losing all that weight had some pretty cool side effects. I used to worry that weight loss would only bring negative side effects, male attention and sexual temptation or misbehaviour or something. Like I would suddenly become a temptress or something! Or a total slut. And even if you tried to count the co-worker sexual harassment thing (which I don't) you'd have to know it was more based on his attraction/confusion/focus on me as a person- my personality. Not my looks. I don't think how I looked played a role. It was also just proximity in my opinion. But enough of that. I'll save that for another time, when I am ready and don't feel so green about it. Back to the fun. The fun of weight loss wasn't getting checked out (which also caused me anxiety and hasn't happened yet that I'm aware of anyway). The fun of weight loss was about buying clothes- I could shop in Ricki's with gf's and rather than stand around outside the dressing room drooling over clothes I couldn't even get a toe into, I could change alongside them and come out and discuss the merit of this shirt over that and they could do the same for me and I liked that. Another fun thing was re-discovering what my body was capable of. Let's say I haven't worked out in 2 months. Not just haven't worked out consistently, but not worked out at all. In the old days if that were the case I would never decide to join a spin class for an afternoon and figure it would be fine. (Actually, pre-weight loss I wouldn't have considered joining a spin class period). But now, it's no big deal. I know I can do it, I know my body likes cycling and that the class will kick my ass, but in a good way. If someone says, hey, let's walk home after drinks downtown I can feel completely confident that I'll be fine and it doesn't even occur to me to worry/fret, except if my shoes are heels. Which brings me to another fun aspect. I can't do the full on heel, but now I can wear heels and walk in them for the most part. Low heels. Before I couldn't wear heels because my feet were too wide and I couldn't find them in my size and if I did it would be too painful because I didn't have strong leg muscles to compensate for the height and my knees were vulnerable. I still have weak knees and mix heels with flats, but, I have some really nice shoes that draw tons of compliments and that genuinely look good on me that I can walk to work in and even walk to the corner in to grab a quick coffee.

There are other good things. I can trying new things, like this running. I can do yoga. I still can't dance. But, I can go to a night club with gfs and dance for hours and hours and hours and enjoy myself immensely. I can lose myself to the music and yes, I'm usually the biggest person there, but I don't care because I'm dancing and it's fun.

I don't hold back from enjoying myself so much anymore.

What else?

I feel a little more comfortable around men. Not so foreign. Or maybe they feel more comfortable around me? If I did lose a lot of weight and suddenly got my male attention I know for the most part what kind it would be. It wouldn't be "dudes" with cool clothes and hair. It would be intense, nerdy guys who are looking for a wife. The kind of guys who would be drawn to me would be drawn to me for my personality- and my looks would be a conduit to that. I also know that I wouldn't be a beauty. I always secretly hoped that if and when I lost weight I would suddenly look like a model or something, or just be above average in some way. But now I think I would be attractive- genuinely attractive with good features and a quirky elegance- but sometimes, in some lights, my features would be heavy and hard and my skin isn't so great. I think I would have my mothers thighs (big) and my tummy would always be flabby and soft so it's not as if I'd suddenly start sporting skinny jeans and ankle boots and super fitted tops. I guess what I'm saying is that losing weight now that I'm a little closer to average wouldn't be such a shock. My face wouldn't change much and neither would my body, I'd still be a classic hour glass. I'd still look like me. And I'd still be like me. I know that I wouldn't change much perosnality wise. I might get a little more confident, a little more daring- but those would be good changes. Other than that I don't see much being different. And I'm okay with that.

So basically, I guess what I'm saying, public declaring, is that I am ready to lose 50 more pounds. I am giving myself permission to go there.