Back to basics

I certainly took a long break from blogging. Interestingly, it’s directly attributable to the summer weight loss synchronicity cycle kicking in again. In late July everything started clicking together again, just like last year. I was going to the gym every morning, I was going to Pilates and I was feeling very strong and capable and relaxed. At night I would sit on my balcony in my new chaise lounge and read- despite my discomfort with having neighbors stare at me. And I started to lose weight again. Not as much weight as the year before, but enough so that I was able to make my dearest wish come true- to add one more, crucial clothing store to my bland shopping repertoire. Rickis. I first went in trepiditiously in September and tried on a sweater vest. At the time it was still a little too tight so I returned it. But a few weeks later I went back and I tried on a pair of black pants and they fit! That change launched me into another world in many respects- I finally felt like I was able to indulge my fashion sense in a way I’d never been able to before. September marched on and I began to worry about what would happen when the days got shorter and the cravings kicked in. So I got myself some anti-depressants. By the time October came I was a size 18 and toned and firm. I bought new bras and felt like a lady. I bought new shoes with heels that went with my new clothes. And then October was over and November was long and cold and dark. And then everything started to unravel. The depression wasn’t as bad this year, thanks to the Citalopram, but the exercise dwindled. I could barely wake up in the mornings and in the afternoons I was so drained from work I just wanted to lay on the couch. Mondo got sick and was dying and that broke my heart, another friend left work and I injured myself when I tried to kick my exercise routine up a notch- ironically, in an attempt to stave off depression and routine.

Other things happened, too of course. Work ramped up from busy and unsatisfying to crazy busy and unbearable. We went on a family vacation. Mondo got sicker. Coming home to see him so weak and disoriented was hard for me. I could not watch him suffer for much longer. It was too hard for me to see him like that. And I knew that my decision would ultimately be as much about putting us at ease as it was about putting him to rest. We were there with him as he passed away and it felt surreal to watch my little grumpy buddy slip away from us after the injection. When the vet left, we held him and buried our faces in his fur, touching his belly and stroking him in intimate ways he never let us do when he was alive because he was so “boundaried.” And I felt so guilty for being so curious to finally touch him unimpeded by his usually violent response to any unsolicited and often, solicited, attempts at touch. I wasn’t sure if it was disrespectful to bury my face against his body and breathe him in, but I needed to feel him and experience him; to know him one last time. I think he would have understood the impulse to touch him, finally, at last.

And then December rolled around and work got even worse. I was working late and working through lunch and when I got home I was too tired to do anything and I wasn’t eating right during the day so by the time I got home I was voracious and felt completely justified saying, “I deserve take out and I’ll get my shit together tomorrow.” But I never did.

And then January, work finally went back to just being busy towards the middle of the month and we got a new puppy to help fill the hole left by Mondo and for that first week I was so content and so happy about having a new being to love and know, I didn’t feel out of control around food at all. But that kind of contentment doesn’t last long, and so I was quickly back to feeling like I had before: not quite depressed, but not quite enjoying my existence either. Not able to exercise, not able to take care of myself for anything more than brief bursts (usually brought on by scale-scares).

Now February is almost over and I’ve been yo-yoing between 253 and 257. Sometimes I get as low as 251 and then I blow it. And my stomach is huge. Somehow I manage to fit into lots of 1x’s (18/20) but my waist is 41 inches, technically a size 22. I feel like a freak. I don’t know why my abdomen is sticking out so much in proportion with the rest of me. Fiona went to England in early September so I haven’t been to a Pilates class since then, hence my enormous stomach I guess. And since I haven’t been exercising much at all, including doing core work, all my weight seems to be going to my stomach. I don’t want to be bitchy here, but I am meant to be hourglass shaped, not apple. At least apple shapes usually have the benefit of shapely legs. But I have big, gi-normous breasts, an abdomen that threatens to exceed the breadth of my bosom, and big legs, featuring the ever attractive “cankle”. I don’t need this shit and wearing stupid spanx is a recipe for a yeast infection, but I have to tame this tummy somehow.

The thing is I’m unhappy with this body right now. I feel like I’m in transition. I’m not legitimately a size 18 since I usually get horrendous camel toe in size 18 pants and I don’t fit into size 18 jackets. But I’m not exactly a size 20 either, because the pants are too big and the shirts are boxy/big and frankly, I don’t want to be shopping at Addition Elle anymore. I want to be able to shop just about anywhere. I want clothes that will make me feel fabulous. Because I have to say that feeling beautiful, as I have in the last couple of months is probably the most exciting thing I have felt in years. There are times now when I look in the mirror and I know that according to society I’m still a “big girl” but I also know 95% of people would agree, I’m working what I have. Some people might feel like that every day, or feel like that fairly often and so they take it for granted but I haven’t looked in the mirror and genuine enjoyed, let alone appreciated what I see since I was a child. For the first time in my life, I approve of myself. That’s an odd feeling to go from a vague sense of disapproval and disappointment in yourself to approving of the way of you look, the decisions you make (not always but better than the past). I feel like a grown up with choices. But I also feel like a kid playing dress up, trying on different personas and finding out that the way I look can be a fun thing, it’s not a dreary prospect to get dressed and see all the glaringly wrong angles and dashed hopes of outfits that should have looked good but didn’t, couldn’t, because my body didn’t have defined curves and angles as it does now.

So, I’m making a list. To try and get things sorted out so that I’m not hamstrung until August. Maybe I can fix this; maybe knowing is half the battle. Maybe I have some say in this- maybe it’s not beyond my control. Maybe I can get what I want.


1. Buy a light therapy box. Okay, we have two years worth of evidence to back up this expenditure. Every year beginning in August I begin to feel better somehow- more alive and energized and despite the fact that I don’t like the humidity I feel more like myself and I can wake up and get to the gym. I can ride my bike and walk to get runkie and I can play tennis and do so much more without feeling like I’d rather be on the couch with a loaf of French bread, cheese and wine. My hope in purchasing a light therapy box is that it will give me that mood boost and energy and efficiency I seem to have during the height of summer. Odd though, that it peaks in August/September and July and October seem to be transition months. What does that say about me, I have 2 great months, 2 okay months and the rest are just write-offs? And why don’t the good times start sooner, in June, peaking in July.August/September? Could that delayed and short onset of good times be because of how northerly we are up here? I also noticed that my tomatoes didn’t ripen until the end of September, whereas back home, back east, by July you have juicy tomatoes falling off the vines. Hmmm. All the more reason for me to simulate sunlight now, as soon as I can.


2. Make a gym schedule for March, start now. Stick with it. Rewards built into schedule.



3.More protein. No more cottage cheese. It’s boring and I’m sick of it. Switch to yogurt and protein powder mixed with berries. Find protein powder that can be mixed with water. More nuts.