Please don't die

A perfectly rational side of me knows I am being irrational.

I spend time with him every day and he doesn't have anything obviously wrong with him.

But lately, I look at the curve to his spine with alarm. It's been curved, denting slightly out to the right, for as long as we've had Runkie, even as a puppy it was there. But now, I can't help but wonder, is it more pronounced, will it cause him pain? Is it pinching nerves and sending hot shooting pains down his legs? Is he okay?

Does he have poochie sciatica?

I've gone through this before, though. With Shalimar.

One day she jumped on the counter and I realized she was skinny and then I remembered that twelve is actually old for a cat.

I got so worried and so convinced she was sick, being eaten up by cancer, I worked myself into a frenzy and started buying her total crap food so she'd fatten up and enjoy her dotage a little more.

And then, weirdly, the anxiety just went away. (Probably when she woke me up at 4 am by sticking her paw in my mouth and I thought about throwing her out of a window).

Enough about me, let's talk about me

Where to begin? The last while has been hard. My on-the-job depression has been swinging wildly to and fro. Some days I come home and don't even think about my work and then other days, days like today, the whole ugly obsession seeps into my real life and I waste the day feeling sorry for myself. On the plus side I did apply for 2 new jobs which hopefully will result in an escape from the hillside hell-hole.

I had planned to go for a bike ride in the morning, taking care to walk up hills and inclines as per my new edict (will get to that) and then return home refreshed and ready to get shit done. Instead I have lolled around in my pjs all day, refusing to feed myself properly so I went from starvation to an intense stomach cramps because I downed two cups of yogurt despite a known dairy intolerance.

But I just had a revelation that may make it all worth while....

You see, one of the jobs I was supposed to apply for is at the company I currently work for. It's the next step up with the requisite $15,000 (potentially) bump up in pay. Which would be ideal, right, if I actually liked where I work.

On the plus side, this new job has more responsibility, different work, more strategic, more "authority/importance" (because the truth is I am horribly insecure at times and like to feel that my job confers some sort of authority or credibility on me when it really doesn't). In fact, in every way this job is more. More exposure to asshole managers and executive and board. More fun with Ministry staff. More fun with legal! More office politics and back stabbing and more more more of the hillside hellhole. So no wonder I spent the whole day dragging my feet, avoiding actually pulling together a resume and cover letter. Why would I want more of all that?

Well, because I'm a masochist, really. I have low self-esteem and I never know when to walk away. I don't like confrontation and have a mixed history of standing up for myself (I've done it but unlike all of the self-help books that promise once you do it regularly you'll have a better life my experience has been that all I ever do is stand up for myself and suffer various forms of passive aggressive revenge anyway). Most of all, I have an incredibly long history of being in unbearable situations for years on end so the hillside hellhole, while anxiety producing, does have a faintly cozy feel to it. And I get to feel like a victim/martyr: "Christ am I the only person around here with some goddamn integrity!" Which is great, cuz if I'm gonna get treated like shit the least that could happen is that I get to feel morally superior to the asshole- while being an asshole myself. (I complain about gossip and back stabbing- ha! I've made more than a few bitchy comments myself, lemme tell ya). Staying there lets me continue to play to all my worst attributes. My need for acceptance and approval (bigger paycheck, more fancy title, respect from staff under me {bah, I'm so pathetic}, shitty corporate culture, other people who are insecure and passive aggressive) and it's just a big stew of all my fucked up parts, mixing with other people's fucked up parts and it's getting worse. But it has the potential to be better.

But I'm starting to think the problem is all me. (Though taking all the blame is a classic tactic of my low self-esteem mindset, I appear to be extremely forthcoming about my faults, to a fault, and then admit the cliched sentiment that I'm my own worst enemy, [Which is true} and then present the tidy assumption that perhaps I am creating all of it). But it's not all me. The Hillside Hellhole employs other emotionally damaged people like me and the problem is how I react to stress, how I was programmed and continue to program myself around confrontation. How I can be justifiably spitting fucking mad and then get on the phone and sweetly handle the situation and even take the blame from the other person for their fuck-up that has majorly inconvenienced me. Even though I am really spitting mad! I will literally talk to them on the phone in a way that is as if I am apologizing to them for what they did to me!!!!!!

Why do I do that? Why do I suck up other people's shame, other people's mistakes so they don't have to feel the burden of being ashamed, which is what I assume, they would feel, if I blasted them for pissing me off in the first place. It's like I perform an act of penance for the thought of being upfront with them. And the scary thing is, I almost wrote "being mean to them" as if being up front and being mean were one in the same. They're not. Telling a co-worker they have screwed up, royally, and inconvenienced me in a respectful way isn't being mean. Or is it. Is it my job to even tell them they fucked up? I don't think it is, actually. I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of it. But the me who's been bullied, who's had salt rubbed in the wound thought for a moment that I did have the right. But if not that, then what? Because they did screw up and they did cost me four hours of work. Do I get on the phone and sound tense and angry? Do I say, nicely, I spent hours trying to track this down and the least you could have done was returned my phone calls (my assumption was that they didn't call because they were purposefully avoiding me, but, more upsetting was the thought that they didn't call because I was below notice, as in, who cares if we screwed up and pissed her off, she'll mop it up, she's a nobody anyway. In reality they may not have called because they were scrambling amongst themselves that would fix this situation and were worried I would blow up at them?). What I did do was send a polite but brief e-mail, "the link is now up. In future you need to give me a months notice at minimum before you proceed with any projects related to web development." But that e-mail was so limp wristed it made me sick. Some part of me really wanted to say "ML made me feel like shit for something I didn't even do wrong and cced in 8 other people and humiliated me-- WHILE I WAS ON VACATION AND THUS DEFENSELESS!!! So now I'm going to take your legitimate and actual big screw up and rub it in and make you look like SHIT in front of the entire company. How do you like that mother fuckers, feel my fucking pain!!!!!!" But while I've probably given the impression that I'm incredibly self-centred and utterly lacking in integrity, I did clue in really fast and realized that was my shit and it was only a secret, guilty indulgence that lasted for .3 seconds before I felt vaguely uncomfortable with how sleazy it was. My point though is that my e-mail seemed a little too blase, my imaginary e-mail a little too crazy, so what would the happy medium have been, I wonder? (Though my manger gave me kudos for handling it professionally and respectfully, then again he is frequently attacked for not having balls...)

All of this to say that I always feel as if I am being dis-respected and I don't know how not to be. Maybe I'm not being dis-respected and it's all in my head. Maybe I'm blowing this one situation out of proportion because of the whole ML ccing in 8 people to diss me when I was completely innocent and I know that I will never have the opportunity to deal with that directly- office politics being what they are.

Plus I was taught to catastrophize. So it's my natural mode.

Health and Wellness Update

I did get Runkles the basket. It is super-fab and a picture is forthcoming. He fucking loves it.

I haven't been working out much-- see above. Plus, bike riding brought with it a number of new physical problems I was not ready for, including new and different forms of pain in new locations. My arm and shoulder hurt on my right side- bearable, but puzzling. After a couple of 14-15 K rides my knees literally felt like they were about to blow out. My feet started having extreme pain again, which affected my walking ability and oh, did I mention the scary, intense pain in my knees?

The knee pain began after I did a really hilly section of the goose headed towards thetis lake. I had been increasing the length and intensity of my rides and boom! It just happened. I'm used to some pain with working out and frankly I am quite good now at knowing how to distinguish pain. There's the oh-my-god-it-hurts-so-badly-it's-actually-going-to-turn-into-pleasure-any-second-kind-of-pain. There's the if-I-keep-doing-this-I'll-reactivate-an old-injury pain. The -I'll-be-sorry-tomorrow-but-look-at-me-go-right-now pain. And the no-pain-no-gain-take-an advil-baby pain. I know my limits. I know I can push until my shoulders are burning but the next day they'll actually feel better because all that lactic acid is unkinking my shoulder muscles. This knee pain was the pre-cursor to temporary disability/knee surgery pain. It just didn't feel right.

Hence my new hill and inclide edict. I am not allowed under any circumstances, no mater how ashamed I may feel, to ride up a hill or incline. I have to get off and walk. No excuses.

But I also stopped going to pilates. My excuse was that I had to travel a lot for work and I wanted more time to be outside. The reality was two-fold. I wasn't feeding myself during the day so I'd come home famished and EAT and then be full and physically uncomfortable, plus I would still have the lingering hunger headache with the attendant neck/shoulder pain. Trying to do pilates like that sucks. My body just doesn't cooperate. I know because I've done it plenty of times. So that's a legitimate reason not to go. Right. Yes. But, why exactly was I letting myself get so hungry that I arrived home with the beginnings of a migraine, low blood sugar and secretly knowing I would almost have to binge because my body was so out of whack every Tuesday night, over and over and over? One crazy day where I barely get a chance to feed myself I can see, but every Tuesday? What was I avoiding?

I was avoiding Fiona and her sizest commentary (they're piffling remarks but they get under my skin because there's a part of me that agrees). Mix that in with the upsetting sensation that occurs when I'm that connected to my body and viola, that class becomes an emotional watershed.

For example, the first couple of classes I came home and cried, for no reason at all. It was like my body had taken over and was crying for me. That's how intense it can be. So I was playing games with myself to avoid looking at ----- oh my god, here it comes again------ how it is I can stay in an uncomfortable situation for so long and keep coming back for seconds. Though in the case of pilates I think it's essential that I keep going and tune out Fiona's nonsense commentary.

And in the case of pilates I think I just need to feel all those feelings in my body and stop stuffing them down with food beforehand. I wasn't able/willing to do that with working being what it was for the last couple of months, my knees hurt, so I just stopped. No gym, hardly any bike. No pilates.

Fuck me, I hate how it's all so related.

An ironic aside, I put on a little bit of weight with the time off from the gym and the vacation but this week everyone in my office started noticing that I'd lost weight and people started to comment (well, 3 people). But the thing is, I lost weight months ago and have been 35-45 pounds lighter for over six months and haven't lost anything since then. Totally weird. At first I denied it but then I just didn't care either way. Let them think what they want.

Today

Last night I completed about 17.5 k's on our stationary bike. Kev was asleep and I had nothing better to do since it was raining and dreary and too late to ask anyone if they wanted to hang around.

It was one of those nights where eveything came together nicely. The room was lit softly and all my music on my Ipod was really good, the bike felt comfy and the legs weren't too far away and I didn't have any weird kinks in my knees or tight hamstrings or a reason to watch the clock. By the end I was singing out loud to my favorite songs and I was totally blissed out and relaxed. I stretched for a half hour in the semi-darkness, the cats rubbing thier long sleek bodies against me in welcome and then when I was done and ready to let go of the experience, Kev woke up and was ready to hang out.

This morning when I got up we took Runk down to run like the wind and I thought I would be too tired to do much else then scoot around the parking lot with him. But I took off for a while expecting to do quickie route. Instead I took the route I took on Friday and then instead of heading home took the Saanich route to Quadra Street and back home. So another 8k's or so.

I'm finally starting to feel a little more secure but it takes a good 20 minutes or so to feel comfortable. I still can't make turns (unless I have a whole parking lot to make them which is really more swooping than turning). And I don't like stopping at cross-walks for cars because I have to push off before I can pedal, like Fred Flintstone, and nothing feels quite as lame as scooting across a crosswalk on one foot while cars sit idling, staring at you. And I still can't stick my arm out to signal a turn. But I can get up hills/inclines a little easier and I'm starting to get back that familairity of being on a bike that I had as a kid, that second nature feeling.

I'd like to get some bike shorts from Junonia and still haven't been able to order the Runkster's basket because they only ship to the US. I could send them to my sister but she has a minimum three month time lag for any postal commitments... Guess I have no choice though.

Gelling

I had Friday off so I got up, lazed around for a while and then headed off to Thetis Lake by way of the goose. I knew I wouldn't have the energy to go the whole way because I planned on going to the gym afterwards. It was raining softly so the cool water felt nice on my face.

I don't have water proof clothing so I got pretty soaked, but I liked the sensation.

After my ride I cycled over to the gym and did a pretty big workout. My legs were like jelly afterwards. It was just one of those days where I didn't want to stop. I felt strong and capable and surprised with myself, everything felt so easy and natural, I didn't have to fight anything so it made it more enjoyable for me. Today, my calves are aching and actually that's pretty great because no matter what I do, it's hard to get them to feel sore or to see a difference. I have very thick legs, no delineation from the ankle up and I read that if you work your calves and make them more muscular it fools the eye into thinking you have some shape. I've been trying for ages to work my calves and getting nowhere -- who knew the secret was getting on a machine with weights that are too heavy for you!

I was thinking yesterday that the title for this blog, big girl on a bike, really doesn't do it justice and that once you get a good bike, there really is no difference between a larger person on a bike and a thinner one.

When I let Kevin test ride my bike he's just as stiff and uncomfortable on it as I am/was. I thought my unease would be because of the size of my body and it wasn't. Anyone who hasn't ridden in a long time will feel out of sorts and kind of frustrated.

I think we all remember what it was like to be on a bike, water skis, skate boards, etc when we were kids and then to try them again as adults is, for most people anyway, shocking. Your body no longer knows what to do and really doesn't have that core strength to do it anymore.

So when Kev got on the bike, his shoulders were ramrod straight, his posture was rigid and he head a death grip on the handlebars --- just like me, and he's average weight and at a slightly above average fitness level for his age. And when I told my friends about my new bike all of them felt the same way as I did and totally understood my fear of riding on a road because I just didn't feel comfortable enough yet.

So what I'm saying is, while this is called Big Girl on a Bike it might as well be called New to a Bike because once you find that good bike that supports your weight, it doesn't matter how big you are. Everyone is going to have a different thresh hold for their first few rides. Maybe you're out of shape and can only go around a parking lot for 5 minutes before you're ready to collapse (and let's be real here, I bet a lot of your fatigue also comes from the anxiety of just being on a bike again and all that self-talk in your head - I know that was true for me), or maybe you're pretty fit and can go for an hour. It doesn't matter, each of us will be building up our strength and endurance to go longer and more importantly, ride better.

Which brings me to the whole idea of biking to work. Not gonna happen. I live on one of the worst routes for getting from my house to my job and there just isn't any way around it except over Finlayson or Bay Street. Both have major issues though. Finlayson is a fucking hilly beast (I didn't know hilly from hilly until I moved here from the east coast), and Bay st has whole sections without bike lanes, is still hilly, (though not as bad) and would add an extra 1/2 hour to my route. No thanks. It's not totally off the table, I'd like to revisit it eventually, but for now I'm not putting that added pressure on myself. I'm going to be a weekend, after work, fair weather biker.

I had a pilates class on Tuesday and that went excellently. Not stuffing myself with food beforehand makes a pretty big difference. I'm going to have get really firm with myself about getting something to eat at about 3-3:30 at work with protein. Its not good to starve myself and then I come home after picking up the dog and I am ravenous with only a 1/2 hour to digest what I eat, so I end up eating too much and then going to pilates feeling bloated and full and as disconnected from my core as could be. (I also think I was doing that because I was pissed off at some sizeist comments Fiona made and had some ambivalence about going). But then she announced that the class will end at the end of April, she can't afford to teach anymore, and I realized how much that class has helped me overall. As a person and physically. It showed me that I may completely lack coordination, skill, timing and grace but I am dedicated in my own way. I've been going for over a year and I'm really into it.

Once she stops I'll have to take a core class -- I don't think I would like the pilates instruction around town from what she's described, it's just very move along, move along whereas her class is classic pilates and includes side trips into yoga, meditation and rhythmic breathing, which I really enjoy.

I also looked at my schedule and decided I needed to up the ante exercise wise. I've been doing the gym and pilates thing for a while now. And while I have added biking the reality is with time constraints being what they are, I've been taking away time from cardio at the gym to add time for biking which is a form of cardio so I've probably only added another 15- 20 minutes of cardio a week, max. So in the spring I'll need to find a new core class and I should really get myself into a spinning class. I've always been intrigued by them and I think I would like it a lot. Plus, it would make me a stronger biker.

The other thing I've been thinking about is this: last year I lost the bulk of my weight in July, August and even September. About 30 pounds. I think that's because it was so hot and combined with working out and a diminished appetite everything just came together. And I'm curious to see if anything like that will happen again this year? But I'm also worried there will be some pressure on me, that will lead me to rebel. So perhaps what I need to do right here and now is tell myself that encouraging more exercise is okay, but lets please leave off the food engineering. I don't want to go on a diet and I don't want to mess around with food this year. I get weird. It's too much. Lets just try to enjoy the fruits and veggies, get outside as much as possible and call it a freaking day!! No pressure to lose weight. At all.

Moving Along

I've ridden a couple of times since I last posted.

It's getting easier, though during the week when I'm working out and riding the bike I find it hard, especially in my arms and wrists. My butt is no longer sore and I feel more at ease.

But now that I am more comfortable on a bike, I'm comfortable enough to know I won't be commuting up Finlayson any time soon and that riding in traffic makes me really anxious.

This morning I rode up to the switch bridge and back. It took all of 15 minutes and I found that the first bit, before I hit the switch bridge was really hard, I felt like I was slogging through mud. I was convinced there was something wrong with my bike, because for the life of me I could't get any speed. It was weird. I was pedaling as hard as I could and I was sure I was going too slow. Then I pedaled like a demon up the slope of the bridge. I was determined to stay on my bike the entire time and even if I had to grind my way up, I would. Unfortunately, at the pinnacle of the slope that's exactly what I did, grind my way up. But once on the other side I was proud and I realized that I have been improving with slopes and inclines.

On the ride back I got a couple of good for you smiles. I hate good for you smiles. Luckily at my gym no one ever gives me the good for you look or smile. But for some reason, seeing me on a bike ellicites that response. Good for you - for being fat and trying. It used to mortify me. Because I was so busy pretending I wasn't fat that anyone who cheered me on for trying to be active despite being fat totally burst my bubble. Maybe bike people, (now my people), are just more cheery by nature than gym people and want to make me feel welcome.

Sounds like a good theory.

Fourth Ride

I was in meetings all day at work and was delighted to get home 15 minutes early. Stretched out on the couch with Runkster to have dinner and then went for a 30 minute ride before I went to the gym for an hour.

One thing I've noticed is that the first 20 minutes of a ride I'm a total klutz and completely lack confidence. I'm all over the place. Then as soon as I'm off the road for a couple of minutes and away from shared use lanes and inclines I'm a-okay. I rode to the Johnson Street bridge and back to the gym, about 3k I guess?

It felt good. My butt is no longer sore. Well a teensy bit but I'm not in agony or even discomfort. But now my shoulders and wrists ache a bit as I ride. And while I can hold my arm up to signal a left turn easily, holding up my arm for a right turn is much, much harder. When no one is around I practice with both. But I haven't seen a difference yet.

I'd like to end with something positive, so how about this: I can already see a huge improvement with my handling of my bike and with my "take off" and I can see myself steadily getting strong enough to ride to work.

Ride numero 3

It rained hard last night but when we got up the sun was playing peekaboo in the sky and it felt warmer than it had in weeks. Kevin promised to take Runkie out for a long stroll and I wanted to go for a spin on my bike so we all headed down to the galloping goose together.

Runkie was scared of the bike so I made sure to "walk" it around him and stay at a safe distance but when I pedalled away he started barking and when I looked back he was straining on his leash to catch up with me. I was pretty sure once he got over the novelty of seeing me on a bike he wouldn't care anymore. But when we got down to Selkirk I was doubling back and forth to say hi to them and Runkie was going nuts, he wanted to come with me and run, run like the wind!

Kevin, nervous nellie that he is, didn't want to let Runkie off his leash to chase me. He was worried something would happen (when pressed he was unable to provide a specific threat to Runkie's safety but continued to assure me that letting him off-leash around a bike was practically inviting disaster) so I waited until we were on a wooden bridge that was straight up and down so I could see anyone coming and anyone coming from behind could easily see me. Kevin finally relented and let Runkie off his leash. (This was after he'd told me that he was worried Runkie's heart could explode because he might run too fast. Sadly, Kevin was only half jokingly.) As soon as I took off Runkie was off like a shot, too. I could hear him huffing and puffing behind me and he was working those little legs like crazy, but he was loving it!

So my worries that he'll never want to go for bike rides is completely disappearing and now I have all kinds of fantasies about the Runkster and I cruising along and letting him out to run on quiet stretches.