Happy new year

It's a small thing, but I feel a little better knowing that I had a solid four invitations to parties. At least I'm not a total loser who has no friends.

But all the same, I decided not to go to C.'s party tonight. I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm on the verge of a breakdown here and the last thing that appeals is the idea of forced merriment and realizing it's all going to be okay, or, more likely in this mood, feeling abandoned and rejected. I need a lot of attention right now, kid glove handling and I'm sensitive to slights that aren't there. God forbid, I should show around my good friends like this and act like a turd because I've convinced myself that no one really likes me.

Generally, people don't like nursing the feelings of a baby asshole all night.

So here I am. Again. At the verge of some kind of breakdown, gaining weight (and inexplicably all I can think about right now is eating... everything) and hating my job. As usual, I am convinced my job is the problem, but secretly worry that I am the problem.

I must be. Here it is. The bold declaration I've been afraid to make but have secretly suspected. Twice now, in the last year, I have been told I am "wrong". Once during the Nick affair with MA (though I have my doubts about all of that and MA because they were looking for something and MA herself was inappropriate and I was responding to her inappropriateness during a time of great stress) and now again at sbr. What both times had in common was that I was under great stress.

But why is it that I am so often under stress? I was going to say that I manufacture stress. But then I realize that right now at work, I would not say my workload is unmanageable by any means. So I don't over exaggerate my workload- when it's really busy and stressful, it is really busy and stressful.

But I wonder if I subconsciously create stressful situations? Then I think, no, because Adriana is often dragged along for the ride and I know she is stressed, too. Very stressed. And I can't create anything for anyone else, and her stress if authentic.

And why was it that N kept her cool throughout, leaving at 4:30 every day? Maybe because she knew I would do it all so she didn't have to worry.

But I can cop to one thing, I'm not so good at hiding the veneer of being stressed anymore. Now I must be snapping at people and letting it show. As N said, we should have grace under fire. But honestly, when it gets that bad, and I'm hitting the wall of burnout and aggression from others, it's pretty hard to smile while I eat their shit sandwiches.

I have a really hard time managing my anger of late- which is why I have been eating. I mean come on. Working out burns off a lot of steam, but when I literally am so burnt out from a day of work and have three more to go, a drink and a big meals and snacks after is a lot more doable than a workout.

I signed up for counselling again. If I were to look back to last year I'd probably also find an entry where I said I needed counselling last year. I went last year this time, and the year before that, too. Seems to be a pattern? Maybe something to do with SAD?

I had stopped taking my meds a few weeks ago. I don't know... I just tapered off. I have never been the best with taking them, I miss a few here and there, but I just stopped. Wasn't aware of why.

But I can't get over that. This is the third year in a row that I have sought counselling during this time of year- it's not new years, but maybe something about the exact amount of light (or lack thereof) my brain is missing, the cold and not being able to get outside much. All I know is that this time of year, consistently, I seem to explode. Everything comes out. (Oh, well maybe in the past it had to do with BCA's business cycle?) All my anxiety is magnified, my anger is just past the surface, my depression is deep and thick, my eating and drinking are out of control and I don't feel quite suicidal, but close enough.

I'm also worried that if I don't do something I will lose my friends. I'm worried they'll realize what a negative person I am (although so many people think of me as the exact opposite) and they will say: Things might genuinely suck.... but there is something about her that makes it worse. I can't put my finger on it it... but I am beginning to dislike her.

That would be awful.

I probably worry about it because they've seen me at my worst.

God, even this entry sounds crazier than usual.

I don't know. I don't know how to pull my shit together and start enjoying life more again- take control of work or whatever. I don't know. I wish I did. I'd do it.

Hit Rock Bottom

Someone, I don't know who, is always saying you have to hit rock bottom before you can actually get up. I don't know why that's always true for me (probably stems from my intense need to punish myself) but I'm finding it true again.

I got up to 270 after eating and drinking my way there every night- with wild abandon. It was almost like I needed to take it that far, to wreak that much havoc, before self preservation kicked in and I felt like I was ready to come back into my body. I literally feel as if I've left my body behind for the last couple of months, slowly floated away from it and only now am I coming back in, reclaiming it. I'm developing a theory that because I was traumatized physically as a child and dealt with it by disassociating I disassociate as an adult, too. My head just leaves my body and I push on with no connection. I literally march on, discomfort, sadness be damned and get shit done. I don't know how to live through a stressful time without escaping it in some way, I suppose.

What turned it around? This is probably one of the first monday mornings where I'm not exhausted. It's hard to feel excited about life when you wake up feeling so tired your face hurts, your jaw aches from keeping it all together. Yeserday I did a lot of work but I'm not exhuasted. I'm caught up on my sleep (could always get more, but who couldn't) and I've had good nutrition for the last two nights- both of which were sit down meals. I drank a little last night but that had a lot to do with a sore back. Now that I don't have any booze in the house I will keep it that way.

I'm also not at work- two days away. And that's what is concerning me. I'm okay and taking care of myself in this moment, but is that only because I've had two days away from that place? And it's small, but SD wasn't there on Friday, which is much more relaxing (because I don't trust her, she creeps me out).

My startegy for dealing with today is two-fold. I'm going to get out at lunch and go for a walk to chinatown and look at bamboo blinds and urban barn. I'm going to eat all my meals and snacks. I'm even going to eat twice in a sense, because I have a salad from last week I'll eat at the end of the day. I'll start off by washing out that bowl at my desk. I'm going to call Zuma and cancel my membership- big relief. It's just not that interesting to me. And after work I'm going to the gym for a nice, relaxing workout- 45 minutes, tops. I'll shower off there so I don't feel gross on the bus. (remember to bring undies!). And during the day I'll log my food onto Fidtday and check out makeup alley. And look up exercise programs for the new year.

Eventually, I'll call Bob and Marianne. I'm not looking forward to it and the whole Penny situation weighs on me very heavily. I am so angry at her for getting like this. She has two kids. And I feel like I need to do something, but I don't know what and I hate not knowing the whole story. I know in my gut she's abusing perscription drugs. But no one else seems to think so or wants to make it an issue. That I know of.

So that's really all I can think of for now- little ways to enjoy the day and take back the right to take care of myself. I'm so tired of feeling tired and run down and used and unhappy.

Hopefully this will start to unfold and unfurl all those peices of myself in hiding. Hopefully they'll feel safe to come out and help me enjoy the world again, one little bit at a time, a flower here, the pride in doing a days worth of of home improvements and maintanance. Little things that make life enjoyable.

Things are horribly wrong

Last night I drank a lot of vodka and woke with narry a problem, other than a dry mouth. My tolerance seems to be increasing and yet just a few days ago I missed lunch, grabbed some chocolates at 3:30 pm and then was sick. Really, really sick. I had to go home and sleep, but I was stuck in traffic- my gut aching, getting cold sweats, my head pounding. And I thought, I caused this. I caused this by drinking at night and then eating everything I could lay my hands on. And then not eating in the morning, because I was full from the night before. And then not eating lunch, because I was busy. I caused this by not working out and taking care of myself.

Everything Hurts

My chest aches. My knees feel brittle. There's a pain in my right wrist and my head is cloudy, like I'm right on the verge of a big headache. And I'm tired but can't sleep. And I'm thirsty. I feel allergic to myself. And my stomach is itchy. And I gained a pound and a half last night.

I want to snap out of this. I want to want to go to kick boxing, the gym, to eat heathfully. I want to feel better. But I just feel like crap.

At work it's not so busy and I took a chance and wrote in my epdp that for me, curisosity is a luxury, I have not time to be curious and no time to act on those ideas. Hopefully that won't bite me in the ass.

Today I'm supposed to meet with an ed from pab. It feels kind of stupid to me. I should have been accepted into pab a long time ago. It's what I do. It's what I excel at- I'm a natural fit. I tried meeting her in nov and she forgot our meeting, so I also harbour strong doubts about whether she'll come or not. And I feel like my chain has been jerked enough already with them considering last spring. If this doesn't pan out, I'm moving on. No more pab.