This blog could just as easily be called Mad's Self Destruction Tactics, as Big Girl on a Bike. It would be a lot more accurate. Since I haven't been riding much.
The surgery cannot come soon enough. I am scared of another month without it. I have an argument going back and forth in my head all the time. If I really wanted to lose weight and be successful, why am I overeating now before the surgery? Doesn't that indicate that I'll "fail"? And then I think well, I wouldn't be having the surgery if I didn't have this issue so of course I'm eating like crazy.
What I have been doing is not eating enough during the day and then I get home and I'm HUNGRRRRYYY. And I have a glass of wine. And it's all down hill from there. Wednesday was so bad I was about to collapse from hunger. Yesterday just a little, nothing like Wednesday. But yesterday I ate even more than I did on Wednesday. Four cinnamon sticks and most of a pizza. Actually, probably all of a pizza.
It was like I was on autopilot, just stuffing it in. More, more, more.
My friend and I were brainstorming options to help me to stop binge eating, especially with Kevin at night, after the surgery. It all sounds good in the moment. But when I'm faced with the opportunity to binge versus not, all those good intentions go out the door.
I don't know what to do to stem the tide before surgery in August. I do know that I don't want to be 280 lbs by the time I get to TJ. There's a pre-op diet to shrink the liver that I'll do- it's supposed to be 12 days before surgery. But maybe I should start in July. Things will be quiet at work by then and I could see it as a gentle reminder to take care of myself. I could also recommit to working out and biking to work.
Actually, I'll start the last week of June. Things will have died down by then.
But I am not doing the diet for weight loss. I need to make that dinstinction. I am doing the diet to shrink my liver, and, create an eating schedule and get used to eating smaller portions, more frequently. The diet is a selfcare diet. The diet is to help me workout and stop eating so much at night.
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2 comments:
I'm still struggling with binge eating so I know what you are going through. Hang in there and keep trying. It's all we can do.
Just happened on your blog- I had the surgery last September and have since lost 67 pounds. Everyone binges before the surgery-its normal. You will also probably overeat in the time between healing post-surgery and your first fill. Its ok. The surgery will work and it will change the way you eat forever. This truly is the end of binging. I don't regret the bread, steak, cookies, brownies I ate before surgery- because I can't eat them the same way now (much smaller portions now). Yes binging now means you have more to lose later and it will take longer, but to me its worth a few more weeks to have had those things one last time in all their glory. Enjoy it, savour it, food is good. And if you are like me, the surgery will work and it will stop you from ever bingeing again, it will stop all the debilitating voices in your head, it will put your mind in a state of moving forward instead of ruminating over what you should have done.
good luck.
Loreen
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